Today is my twenty-first birthday but I do not think that it is worth celebrating. My existential crisis started to creep up on me just before my twentieth birthday. I spent the previous year feeling like shit and even though I’m on the path to recovery, I still have bad days when everything seems bleak.
During the past year, I committed a lot of mistakes, many of which are too late to rectify, I lost relationships that are hard for me to get back, I abandoned responsibilities that used to mean a whole lot to me. I dumped religion. I have lied to myself and others around me. I lived my greatest fear (being average) because I couldn’t think, there was constant cloudiness in my head and any attempt at more than superficial thoughts only led to splitting headaches. It was a hell of a year even though it had a lot of lows.
Honestly, I had some wins too but it was difficult to feel happy about them. I will highlight those that I can remember:
- I became the team leader of my student organization
- I participated in the United Nations Millennium Fellowship, class of 2019
- I passed all of my exams and got some of my best scores despite my low level of preparedness, there were some courses I started reading just a night to the exam.
- I participated in a research work that will soon be published. A crucial step forward on my career path
- I met some of the people I look up to and was able to get guidance from them.
Those are the wins that I can remember at this time and there were some losses that impacted me greatly, those included relationships with people, and being abandoned and betrayed did a number on me. I’m not going to highlight my Ls. I’ve learned a lot from them but it’s healthy to leave them in the past where they belong as long as I’ve learned my lessons from them. The most important lesson I’ve learned is that “EVERYBODY LEAVES“.
Everybody leaves, even if they were the ones to tell you to lower your walls and let them in and that they will be there for you. That’s a lie because they will leave you hanging and move on without a second thought. That doesn’t make them bad people, it is just how life is and I have come to terms with that. Entanglements are something you can’t avoid but it doesn’t have to leave you broken.
Some of the things I wish to achieve this year is to increase my emotional intelligence (EQ), it is a problem I have had for a while and it got worse last year. I tried avoiding it by taking emotions away from the workplace and make everyone focus on the job because it is something that had to be done and not because they love it or anything, it’s just something that needed to be done. That didn’t end so well. Commitment to the organization took a massive dip as people won’t turn up for organization events and productivity reduced too. That system of leadership is not one that works and learning how to work with emotions is an important skill I have to learn.
I also need to learn how to check up on people and keep in touch with them. I have been informed many times by friends and family that I only call people when I need them. I don’t see anything wrong with that because that’s how it works with me. I don’t have a lot of social energy and I love being alone but when someone needs me, I’ll show up for them even though we may not have spoken for a long time. I’ve learned that not everyone thinks as I do, so I have to do better in that aspect because the world’s greatest currency is people, and having a good network is of utmost importance.
This is getting too long for me. On this blog, I have only been posting the dark thoughts in my mind as I confront them but from now on this blog will also feature my opinions (Yes! I have those even though it’s becoming a crime in this age) on social issues, my love of music and some reviews of my favorite songs and how they connect with me, my random ideas and musings. This blog is about my mind and my mind is the most chaotic and most beautiful place in the world and I will express It here. Thanks to my pseudo-therapist Latoria (even though you might not get to read this), you’ve done a lot for me.